More Sick Jokes

A nun is walking alone in Central Park at midnight. All of the sudden a man
jumps out from behind the bushes and rapes her. After he finishes he asks
her what she'll tell her god. She replys "I'll tell him the truth, that i
was walking alone and a man raped me twice."
The rapist is bewildered and asks "Twice?"
She replys "Yes, unless you're tired."

Q: What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
A: An erection.

Q: How do you get 10 dead babies into a tupperware bowel?
A: With a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: With a straw or Doritos.

A man takes his daughter to the doctors and tells the
doctor to put her on the pill.
the doctor ask's if she is sexually active ?
he replies no she just lays there like her fucking mother.

Q) What is white and sits at the end of the bed all night taking the piss out of you ?

A) A kidney dialyses machine

Whats the difference between a paedophile and a greyhound?
The greyhound waits for the hare (hair)

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:

     1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
     holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
     cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
     right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close
     mouth and swallow.

     2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
     left arm and repeat process.

     3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

     4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
     paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
     mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

     5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
     spouse from garden.

     6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
     rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
     firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
     down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

     7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
     Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
     shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
     gluing later.

     8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
     visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
     mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

     9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
     water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and
     remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

     10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
     cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
     open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

     11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
     hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of
     last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

     12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
     Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
     cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

     13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
     tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
     shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
     Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
     pill down.

     14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
     doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
     right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

     15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if
     they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

     1) Wrap it in bacon.